So you're an Newly Qualified Teacher and you're not sure whether you're really ready to whip a class into a frothing brew of jingoistic nationalism? Don't worry, you're not alone. Luckily the government has done all the difficult thinking about ethics so you don't have to. If you're still too poor, stupid or foreign to understand the difference between right and wrong, then just follow this easy to use guide and you'll have your pupils getting misty eyed over pints on the village green in no time.
1. Have a British Prime Ministers word search ready to go at all times. I remember a more experienced teacher telling me this in my first year and it has never failed me yet.
2. Remember that the best way to teach about Democracy is to give them no experience of it whatsoever.
3. Line them up for as long as it takes you to shriek the National Anthem before letting them in. If they can't manage this, do Jerusalem too.
4. Is your picture of David Cameron's massive face massive enough? One common mistake that NQTs make is not having a truly enormous picture of David Cameron's massive shiny face. Don't get caught out.
5. Establish expectations early by reading the Constitution in its entirety. Yes I know the constitution is uncodified, just read every British law since the Magna Carta. They will respect you for it.
6. Remember that children are basically tiny, X-Box obsessed terrorists: treat them accordingly.
7. DON'T MENTION GOD, EVER.
8. EVEN FOREIGN GODS. ESPECIALLY NOT THEM. WHAT ARE YOU, MENTAL?
9. Don't be afraid to ask from support from people who are more British than you if you're struggling. They will be understanding, after all, they were less British once. Joking.
10. Don't blow your top! just do what the British have always done: keep members of the underclass on standby ready to inflict maximum misery on your enemies whilst affecting surprise and dismay that it 'had to come to this'.
There you go, and best of luck!
Based on an original idea by Tait Coles.
No comments:
Post a Comment